Open letter to students: A satirical warning from the future


Hello my fellow students of this school. I feel that it is important that I reveal the information that came to me from the future. How such information came cannot be revealed, or else half of your children will not exist, a snail will be president (which may be a step up) and the Star Wars franchise will turn back to bad CGI and cast Hayden Christensen again.
What I have seen is that in 1,000 years, humans will not exist as they are now. The patterns that we have created today in our daily life have ultimately sculpted us into grotesque figures.
Humans, in the future, have one hand that is permanently cramped up into a gripping position. This is for the sole reason of handling phones. Apparently the cramps induced from holding cell phones constantly have caused a hand to cramp together like you’re a Sith Lord shooting force lightning from your fingers (I think my Star Wars references have a high count because I’m excited for Rogue One so just bear with me). The other hand is normal and is used for everything like poking your phone screen, or sliding your phone screen to open your phone, or pressing a button to return to your home screen.
Speaking of cell phones, the color yellow automatically causes the body to release endorphins to numb the pain of having a Snapchat. Indeed, in the next millennium the pain of watching your friends posting Snapchat stories of them hanging out without you has caused such deep emotional despair in humans that our endocrine system actually altered itself. I kid you not.
Have you ever had problems being able to focus on your phone, television, laptop and iPad? The future has accommodated for that too. Humans have vastly more eyes than before, with one on one cheek, another on the other cheek, a set of eyes in their normal spot, and one on your forehead so you can look at all of your technology without running into walls. I mean who hasn’t run into a pole while taking their favorite Buzzfeed quiz? All of us have. It’s not just me. It can’t be. Please tell me it’s not just me who has done that.
Now, since the future has invested in no sort of prevention for that weird thing called global warming that, according to our president-elect, was apparently invented by China to ruin the American economy, our air is full of smog and pollution. Our mouths feature filters to strain out all of those particulates that will cause us to get lung diseases. Conveniently, with the switch to food juices we don’t have to worry about not being able to eat, like in Wall-E—because pressed juices are all the rage, not that we work out, because our brain increases our metabolism when we use Wikipedia and “exercising knowledge.” We don’t talk with these mouths either; human interaction has been eradicated due to the discomfort of social interactions and the ease of messaging others. Even when people come in close contact they do not speak. In addition, humans have grown gills that will emerge on command, as the frequent flooding due to rising sea levels has caused humans to have to learn to breathe underwater.
We also have tails.
No one really knows how that happened.
So, if you were wondering what your children’s children’s children x 1,023 will look like, here is a sneak peek. Humans are quite different in the future; a lot has changed about us. But keep doing what you’re doing people of earth. I wouldn’t want to prevent any of these changes from happening to us and cause major inconveniences to our way of life.


Sarah Fagan

Profiles Editor