Riley Rates: Fruit


Photo used with permission from Google Commons

Though there are many to choose from, not all fruits are created equal.

Invented in 2006, fruit has become a favorite plant to eat by billions of people. From the humble grape to the trendy avocado, fruit has always been lurking in the darkest corners of our refrigerators demanding to be eaten. But with so many choices available, how can we determine what fruits to buy and which ones to avoid? With the Riley Rates 5-star-system of course! No longer will novice fruitarians brood over the potentially repulsive contents that hide beneath the enticing exterior of a vibrant berry or achene; in the following article I will peel back the thick skin that ambiguates the true hierarchy of fruits. 

The righteous apple

Though many would put the apple among Tom Brady, Jazz and McDonalds as an equivalently American icon, the famous fruit is actually from Kazakhstan. The apple’s thin skin and sweet or sour crunchy interior makes it a great simple snack with no preparation necessary to eat. However, the same skin that is so conveniently delicate results in an easily bruisable fruit. Personally (and factually according to the Riley Rates 5-star-system), the apple still deserves its fame. 4 stars. 

The light banana

If you like long foods, just wait until you hear about this really cool fruit. Bananas are usually bought in “hands,” meaning it likes to stick together with its friends until you cruelly rip it away and peel back its skin. You’ll find a great breakfast fruit in the banana, with its uniquely light taste and soft texture. However, the delicate nature of the banana makes it easily bruised, and bruises on bananas are truly disgusting. 3 stars.

The doorstop cantaloupe (and its associated honeydew)

As The Wiggles once said, “fruit salad, yummy yummy.” I imagine that when Greg, Anthony, Murray and Jeff sat down to write that iconic chorus they hadn’t yet penetrated the surface of their fruit salads. They probably thought oh boy, I sure do love grapes. Peaches? Can’t go without ‘em! Blueberries? It just keeps getting better! Little did they realize that a colorful veil masks the true contents of all fruit salads: cantaloupe. Like cardboard inside a gingerbread house or Rice Krispies Treats™  inside a Cake Boss megacake, the cantaloupe is but a filling to play tricks on the eye. We’ve all experienced the pain of the fruit salad experience; lifting a pineapple slice to find the dreaded rockmelon stacked miles high underneath. Honeydew is even worse, imitating the cantaloupe in every way… and for what? To be thrown to the bottom of the bowl to live in the shadows of the great fruit above? Cantaloupe and honeydew are not just bland, sorry excuses for fruits… they sicken me. 1 star.

The insecure pineapple

The pineapple is a conflicting fruit for sure. One the one hand, I love the sharp taste and texture of a good pineapple, even if it takes some work to prepare. On the other, the pineapple is a little self conscious that it might not be good enough. “Oh, you want to eat some other foods?” the pineapple says. “Maybe in four hours. In the meantime, keep eating pineapple. It’s the only thing that doesn’t taste like dog food right now.” The pineapple is ruthless to opposing foods, but like all school bullies, deep down it’s afraid you won’t like it, so it lashes out. Don’t be like pineapple. 2.5 stars. 

The mighty orange

The orange is not just a fruit; the orange is the magnum opus of all foods. Possibly originating from divine creation, the orange balances what other fruits cannot. Yes, the orange is a fruit, but is it not so much more? The orange’s skin is tougher than plastic packaging, yet is easily peeled with the fingers. Already sliced by a higher power, the orange asks us to put away our knives and live peacefully. The orange balances sweet with sour, just as we should hope to balance all opposing things in our lives. The orange is what it is and is nothing more… after all, it is orange. 5 stars.