The adversary of doctors, the humble apple serves as the head of the fruit world. Whether baked into a pie, coated in caramel or just eaten whole, the apple’s sweetness provides a helpful distraction from the fact that you’re eating something healthy. Not all apples are created equal, however. The next time you find yourself perusing the apple aisle at your local Harris Teeter, I hope you think of me.

Gala

With the same enthusiasm as vanilla ice cream and water from a Brita filter, the Gala apple serves as a safe option, free of any adventure or excitement. If you’re looking to pose for a stock photo or give your teacher an inexpensive gift this holiday season, I highly recommend the Gala. It’s not that I hate the Gala apple, but why would I even bother with something so mediocre. The taste and texture are bland and uninspired, nothing to write home about. I wouldn’t settle for a Pepsi, would I?

Juici

A true gem in the shadows, the Juici apple is truly underrated. Its advertisement as an improvement upon the Honeycrisp had me initially skeptical, but it did not disappoint my tastebuds. After the first bite, I was transcended into a state of apple nirvana. The Juici is all I’ve ever wanted in an apple: an immaculate crunch, a flavor as sweet as sugarcane itself and a satisfying aftertaste leaving me wanting more. Though more expensive than your run-of-the-mill Gala, I’d gladly pay a premium for a Juici.

Lady Alice

I’m not sure who this Lady Alice is, but her apples are fantastic. Just as sweet as others on this list, what sets her apart from the rest is her tartness, perfect for apple pie. Don’t just take my word for it, though. Chorus teacher and apple expert Keith Schwartz shares a similar sentiment, even bringing one in for his students to try. “Lady Alice apples are the perfect balance of all great apple qualities. It celebrates the line between sour and sweet and between crunchy and soft,” Schwartz said.

Red Delicious

For how common the Red Delicious can be found in grocery stores across the country, you’d expect it to taste at least decent. Not only do I not like the Red Delicious, I despise it. The skin, akin to the taste of a penny, is horrendously bitter and as thick as could be. One of the most inconsistent fruits behind the blueberry, the Red Delicious is mushy and brown half the time. Once you get past the never-ending layer of skin, you’re essentially greeted with the taste of wet tissue paper. Only an apple this terrible would need to advertise itself as “delicious.” Absolutely foul.