For over 40 years or so, water has helped us stay hydrated. Its simplicity, a stark contrast to the humans who consume it. Its appearance: clear, lacking the joy of color. Its taste: an explosion of mild, unenthusiastic flavor, the essence of nothing. To the casual water enjoyer, all water might be equal. “Why buy a Fiji water when Dasani is two dollars cheaper?” you likely chuckle to yourself. Water experts like myself would beg to differ. If you have trouble identifying good water from Dasani, I’m here to help.

Dasani

Obviously, I don’t much care for Dasani. In fact, I’d go one further and say that Dasani is an embarrassment to water in every sense. Starting off with texture, I’d compare it to something like sandpaper. As you might’ve guessed, it doesn’t go down well. Swallowing a hearty sip of Dasani is like sanding the walls of your esophagus off. If you aren’t a texture person and only care about taste, the taste is even worse. Acting as glorified tap water, it captures all the elements of a dirty rain puddle. Its so-called “purification” process occurs through reverse osmosis, so while I might not contract dysentery from a bottle of Dasani, it tastes like I’m drinking straight from a fish tank. The same goes for Aquafina, Pepsi’s alternative to Dasani. Though it isn’t as bad, it’s terrible in its own way.

Fiji Water

The caviar of the water world, Fiji is likely what you’d find in the mini-fridges in heaven. Its soft, silky texture offers a delightful drinking experience, akin to no other water I’ve tasted. Its bottle, though slightly inconvenient in a cupholder, is unique, offering added grip strength with its four corners. Basic economics tells us that spending money is bad and saving money is good, but there are a few exceptions to that rule. When the cheaper alternatives are Dasani and dying of dehydration, you know that spending a few extra bucks is worth it in the end.

Kirkland

Most commonly found in the white fridges of suburban middle-class homes, Kirkland reminds me of birthday parties and sleepovers. Sure, there’s definitely higher quality water, but the nostalgia of cracking open a Kirkland at the Rockville Sportsplex will always have a special place in my heart. As for texture and taste, not much to write home about. Just about as boring and regular as you’d expect water to be. I don’t like Kirkland for the texture or taste, however, I like it for its dependability. Its affiliation with Costco means you can always buy it in bulk, making it affordable. You can’t go wrong with Kirkland, it’s a safe option. Nothing great, but nothing bad either.

Tap Water

The best option to quench that late-night thirst, tap water never fails to deliver. Much like Kirkland, it’s nothing too exciting, but I won’t hold that against it. It does its job and it does it well. With the assistance of ice, anything is possible.

Sparkling Water

I drink water as an escape from fizzy beverages. It might just sound like I’m sensitive, and it’s probably because I am, but carbonation hurts my tongue. I’m not a fan.