Joe Knows: Parking mania

Joe Pohoryles
editor-in-chief

Well Joe,

The world must hate me. I’ve been a model student and great person, but I still somehow got stuck with a Rockshire spot this semester. I now have to leave my house in the morning several minutes earlier than I would have to if I had a lower lot spot. On the days I actually show up to school, I’m forced to walk three minutes just to enter the building, and three more minutes back before I can start to head home.

To add insult to injury, the girl who lives across the street from me secured a lower lot spot just because she has an internship. Sure, she plays a sport here and works a part-time job soon after her practice ends, and with an internship needs to leave during the day, but that shouldn’t mean I have to be banished to Rockshire. How do I handle this travesty?

-Sad Senior

Sad Senior, I feel for you. Thank you for writing to me and giving me the opportunity to raise awareness of these poor souls, like me, condemned to march a quarter-mile just to receive an education. Your neighbor probably thinks she has it rough, with her loaded daily schedule that leaves her with little free time. At least she gets to park closer to the building.

So what if you have no practical use for your car until the school day is over? Even if you did, it wouldn’t matter, with it stuck at a location too inconvenient to access anyway.

And having to leave your house earlier as well? You are sacrificing hundreds upon hundreds of seconds by the day, seconds you could have spent scrolling through Instagram, or hitting the snooze button one extra time.

The nerve your neighbor has to just take the spot without even considering anyone else. I don’t know how she sleeps at night. In fact, with all the homework she has to complete after her evening shift, I doubt she even does sleep. Not for a full eight hours, anyway.

But this is as much the school’s fault as it is your neighbor’s. They have the audacity to reserve such a treasured parking spot for students who could really benefit from a lower lot spot instead of giving it to just anyone who’s desperate enough? Shame on them. They owe you big time.

I think there’s only one way to handle this “travesty,” as you put it: demand compensation. The school seized property that was rightfully yours, so by law of eminent domain, you’re entitled to compensation. Only, you shouldn’t just ask for money, no, instead you, me and all the other heroes who must trek to and from Rockshire should ask for a commemoration.

We have honored the greats of our community by naming places after them: our stadium, our baseball diamond, and recently, the bridge on Greenplace Terrace. We should name another bridge after you, to commemorate your daily sacrifice.

Thing is, we don’t have another bridge to name in your honor… oh well, guess you’ll have to go build one.

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