Joe Knows: Don’t erase your social

Joe Pohoryles
editor-in-chief

Heyyy Joe,

I’m only a sophomore, but I already have big plans for my future. The Kardashian/Jenner sisters are my idols. I dream of making a living by being a social media influencer. I feel like I’d be great at it. The only problem is, I lack serious clout on the ‘gram. How am I gonna launch my career if I don’t have a follower base to cater to?

I need your help. I know you’re not exactly a social media tycoon (I mean, only 840 followers… yikes), but I have no one else to turn to. How can I attract more followers and fulfill my dream?

-Future Instagram model

For starters, no need to give me a hard time about the number of followers I have. I keep my account exclusive.

But that’s neither here nor there. I know a number of foolproof ways to attract a surge of new followers, and if you implement these tips, you’ll be Instagram famous in no time.

Make your posts fun. There’s so much content out there, people are just looking to be entertained. If you’re entertaining, people will follow you. Hold a contest, like post a trivia question each day, and the first person to get it right will receive one digit of your social security number at a time (I’m just spit-balling here). Not only will you have nine full days of interesting posts, but you will surely generate buzz.

Another thing you could do is post sexy photos of yourself. Sex sells, and if you can use it to your advantage, then power to you. I know what you’re thinking: Joe, what if I’m ugly? You don’t even need to be attractive in real life, just learn how to edit pictures, and boom, your notifications will be flooded with new followers. If you’re really ambitious, go fully nude. Forget the child pornography charges, you’ll be the talk of the town.

Exploit people’s sympathy. Take a tragic event- personal or not- and send out a heart-warming post about it. If it’s emotional enough, your followers will feel like real jerks if they don’t like, comment and share. Everyone loves drama, so exploit other people’s sadness for your own personal gain. If you feel bad about doing that, quash that empathy. It’s for the greater good. It will make you more popular, and that’s all that matters. When used correctly, it works like a charm.

Contact strangers online. Expand your network. Give out personal information to these strangers. The plan here is to build a foundation of trust and intimacy that will hopefully lead to gaining more followers. These strangers will follow you, and tell their friends to follow you, who will tell their friends to follow you, and so on. Honesty and integrity are super important in building a reliable following base.

One quick tip to attack others is to make fun of people. Cyberbullying is a myth. If you’re bothering someone online, all they need to do is simply turn off their device; you’re completely blameless in this scenario. Go out there and have some fun making people feel bad.

The most important thing to remember about all of this, though, is that your real-world accomplishments do not matter, unless flaunting them will give you more clout. All eyes are on you, through phones, so you need to make yourself look as presentable as possible. Focus all your attention on social media, and let the outside world slip away. It’s absolutely worth it. I promise.

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