Joe Knows: A schooling in Juuling

Joe Pohoryles
editor-in-chief

Suh dude,

I’m upset. Third period Ceramics was a special time for me. It was the time I got to spend doing the one thing I love most. Being able to just kick it and not worry about my problems at school kept me going through the day. It gave me peace, and it brought my friends and I together.

That’s right, leaving class to Juul in the bathroom.

Now, because some narc reported me to security, I can’t leave in the middle of class to Juul in the bathroom anymore. I’m forced to sit through the entire period and just mess with some stupid clay. Third period was my only real opportunity to use my Juul during school, so I’m just writing to ask, what should I do to get my fix?

-Juulian

Thanks for sharing, Juulian. You’re in a tough situation, I’m not gonna lie to you. The crack down on Juuling is no joke, and you’re just one of the casualties. Nothing says “relaxation” like sucking down aldehydes and other toxic substances. Pair that with an increased risk of heart attack, and now you’re living. Add in the nicotine addiction, and that’s just icing on the cake. But sadly, you’ve been deprived of that stress-reliever.

Luckily, you’ve written to the right source. There are several roads you could take to satisfy your need, so let me lay them all out for you:

  1. Keep Juuling, just not in the bathroom: Just because you got caught in one place doesn’t mean you need to stop everywhere. Hide in plain sight; no one will be expecting it. This might be one of the smartest options you could take. Not only will you get your fix, but you’ll also wow your classmates with the killer clouds you blow. Start practicing.
  2. Start sucking on your flash drive: If you feel straight-up Juuling in class is too risky, try this. I know this sounds ridiculous, but just bear with me. The common Juul and flash drive bear a striking resemblance, so take a flash drive out in the hall, during class or really anywhere in the sight of faculty, and start sucking on it. Make it obvious; you want them to catch you, and once they do, point out, It’s just my flash drive… I know, it’s just a nervous tick… thanks, sorry about the confusion. Keep doing it. Eventually, people will get so used to the fact that you just suck on flash drives, you’ll be able to switch it out with an actual Juul, and no one will bat an eye. Sure, you’ll seem like a freak, but hey, anything for juuling. This also works with a dark mechanical pencil lead holder, or even a bare fist.
  3. Ditch the Juul, go to cigarettes: With Juuls being all the rage these days, it seems like they’ve got security’s full attention. This makes it the perfect time to get your fix of nicotine from the original source.

I know what you’re thinking: I’ll get caught, people will smell it. Maybe, but would you honestly believe it if you heard a student was smoking cigarettes in the middle of the school day? How stupid would that person have to be? Pretty smart, if you ask me. No one would expect it, and I doubt the security team would believe their noses. This is Wootton. Surely our students wouldn’t do anything this dumb. It probably just drifted in from outside. No one will suspect a thing, and it comes with no other ramifications.

Juulian, whichever one of these completely foolproof options you choose, just remember that the most important thing for your health is to avoid withdrawal. Never under any circumstances can you leave your Juul at home, or even dispose of it.

Withdrawal will distract you from your school work, and really, everything else. You must do anything and everything necessary to prevent it. I hope you take my advice in full stride, and pass it on to others with the same issue as you. Godspeed.

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