the TOMATO: a satirical back page spread

Tensions high, tables turned on teachers- Joe Pohoryles, Front Page Editor

It has been a full quarter since the Montgomery County Public Schools’ Board of Education mandated the new grading system in which students grade teachers. The county implemented the system at the beginning of the semester after countless students expressed their desire to grade teacher performances. “Since student success relies heavily on the grades we earn in school, I, along with thousands of other students who reached out to me over the course of the year, felt that teachers should be graded as well, because the quality of teaching impacts student performance,” Student Member of the Board (SMOB) Matt Post said.
Now that Post and every other supporter of the graded-teachers movement got their wish, teachers will be evaluated on their performance by their students, and the grades they receive will hold repercussions.

Teachers who maintain good grades will be entitled to promotional opportunities, better spots in the staff parking lot and if they’re lucky, get into the college of their dreams (to work as a professor). On the flip side, those who fall below the mark will have to work to get back on track. Possibilities of demotions and sessions with the counseling office are on the table, and coming in for lunch to re-give lessons will be required. “I find it aggravating when the younger teachers get better parking spots over the more tenured ones, so I’m definitely going to focus harder on keeping my grades where they need to be in order to get a better parking spot,” science teacher Jacob Buxton said.

Grades will also factor into extracurricular activities. Any teacher who sponsors a club or coaches a team must hold an unweighted GPA of 2.00 or higher in order to keep their position. Should they dip under the requirement, they will be removed from their position until their GPA is brought back up.

The final grades teachers receive will be composed from three categories: Fifty percent of the grade comes from the summative category. This measures the teacher’s ability to give students the information and skills necessary for them to succeed on quizzes, tests and ultimately the course itself. Forty percent comes from the formative category. This measures their day-to-day performance in the classroom, for example, how well they engage students with their lessons.

The final 10 percent is the homework grade, i.e. their promptness in grading assignments and how accurately they put grades into myMCPS. “I think I do well with preparing my students for the major assignments, and I’m just trying to lock in a solid grade, so hopefully my students notice that and I can get a nice raise,” English teacher Mellownie Ho said.

Quarter grades have been finalized, but they’ll remain private from the public. Although little can be assessed from just one quarter of use, it’s safe to say that the new grading system will change teachers for the better. After all, their jobs do depend on it.

 

 

School renovation cancelled, replaced by designated juul room- Chloe Perel, news editor

This school’s students have been fed up with rules that prohibit where they can juul. They have paved a revolution far greater than George Washington’s. After many brutal months of being forced to juul in school restrooms and the back of classes, students are pleased to hear that they will receive a designated juuling room in the coming months.

This school is entering a new age of education where student needs are of the utmost importance. A recent poll by the student government shows that 80 percent of students find the urge to juul in the middle of the day. Another states that 100 percent of students want a better location for their juuling needs, making this room an absolute necessity.

Principal Kimberly Boldon has decided to reallocate funds for school renovations into this room, seeing that students’ nicotine addictions are more important than repurposing a moldy, crumbling building. “I don’t want my students to have to suffer any longer. They need more places to juul,” Boldon said.

The room will be open to both students and faculty in an attempt to further the connection between them. This benefits students who are in need of college recommendations or a source of strength. “I can’t wait to blow clouds with the kids,” assistant principal Joseph Mamana said.

Teachers will need to allow their students to leave class and attend the juuling room for a minimum of 10 minutes. Extremely strict measures will be taken to ensure this rule is upheld. Any faculty that requires students to return to class before their 10 minutes is up will either be fired on site or launched into space, depending on the severity of their actions.

When the idea of this room was first proposed, it was believed that this would simply be a dusty old closet. Designed by one of the Property Brothers, the juuling room will feature 30 chaise lounges, a 1,000 inch plasma television, a kitchen island, and a horse stable.

Unlike assignment books, a starter kit will be provided to every student containing pod flavors of mint, tobacco, creme brûlée and fruit. However, if students are in desperate need of more free pods, they will be able to file an appeal form to the front office. The SGA has also set aside a space within the room to sell juuls and pods.

Being one of the first high schools to follow through with a designated vaping area, this school has been recognized by Forbes and Food Insider as the most progressive school in America. This is said to be because not only does the room allow a place for students to juul in peace, it also produces a more focused learning environment within classrooms and less crowded bathrooms. “I don’t know how it happened, but this room has defeated climate change,” American politician and environmentalist Al Gore said.

 

 

CDC diagnoses senioritis as viral, contagious disease- Aaron Levine, Managing Editor

Last Tuesday, only a month after Principal Kimberly Boldon was caught in her office wearing pajamas and throwing paper airplanes made of student records, she was fired from her position. Boldon was the latest victim of circumstance, as the now viral disease senioritis continues to plague our planet.

With the disease spreading like wildfire in the past couple months, scientists have been able to determine the most common methods of infection to watch out for, including the sharing of bodily fluids, literal clouds of apathy that ooze off the infected, and the sharing of communications with an infected person under circumstances where something productive could have been done instead.

Thanks to the disease, schools have had to adapt to the increasingly apathetic population. All classes have been moved to pass-fail in an attempt to prevent an eventual buildup of seniors who fail to graduate. “We’ve had to make some minor changes here and there to ensure the kids are getting their education,” teacher Christopher McTamany said. “Students automatically receive 50 points for attending a day of class and should they manage to write their name on the top of their paper, it’s a bonus 100 points. Lately we’ve had to become a bit more strict on the rules though, so we decided those who manage to put their name on the paper but miss the line that says “name,” will only receive 25 points of credit.

Other teachers, like Matthew Winter, have had to completely adapt their style of teaching to fit the ailing students. “I used to have my students engage in my rigorous, patent-pending get up, move, talk program, but now I have my students perform let up, remove, block in order to make sure they don’t overwork themselves and that they let go of their worries,” Summer said.

For the students who remain healthy, it is only a matter of time before senioritis infects them too. For sophomore Katie Ogre, this is an everyday concern. “Just the other week, I was completing my homework when, for a brief moment, I considered being lazy by not completing my work to watch Netflix instead. I swear I saw my life flash before my eyes, I got checked for senioritis five times since then to make sure I wasn’t infected, but it still scares me to this day,” Ogre said.

Now, months after the initial outbreak of senioritis, people are dropping like flies onto their couches as unprecedented waves of laziness sweep the nation. As kids and adults alike succumb to the disease, people are looking for a cure. Unfortunately, progress in the scientific community is slow. “At first, the scientists were very diligent in researching a cure,” laboratory janitor Ted Snapple said, “but at a certain point they all started coming to the lab later and later until some stopped coming at all and others slept at their desks.”

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