You’re at Chipotle; the line winds all the way out of the door, and you wait. Five minutes goes by, then 10. Your mind starts to wander. Is there life on another planet? Could I be a reincarnated dog? What would Montgomery County schools be as Chipotle ingredients?

Wow, that last one really stumps you. What would even qualify a school as a specific food? You’re so deeply lost in thought that you don’t even realize it’s your turn in line. “For here or to go?” you’re asked. You don’t care. The only thing you care about is classifying schools as Chipotle cuisine.

For those who have ever asked themselves What would MCPS schools be as items off the Chipotle menu, your days of endless pondering are over. Below, I have adopted the same thinking techniques as Albert Einstein and Aristotle in order to accurately decipher what ingredient each MoCo school is.

Wootton: Chicken
Sometimes, on a slow day, the Chipotle workers don’t change out the food as much. This can cause the chicken to get a little hard. The harder it gets, the more stressed you get, like what if this is a signal of E. coli? Even at its hardest, the chicken is still a relatively good addition to your bowl. I mean, chicken is ranked second in the state according to U.S. News.

Churchill: Queso
The thing about Chipotle queso is that only the queso enjoys the queso. The queso is sitting there, thinking it’s top-notch stuff when in reality, nobody wants to be within a 100 yards of it (both for safety and personal consideration.) Not to mention the fact that the queso is supposedly “genuine” when it’s probably the fakest cheese sauce I’ve ever met… I mean… eaten, and usually ends up in the trash.

BCC: Barbacoa
For those who don’t know, barbacoa is Chipotle’s version of beef. When I think BCC, I think that’s a whole lot of beef. I’m pretty sure their only classes are “Intro to Twitter Beef” and “Coming up with below-average Comebacks 101.”

QO: Guacamole
QO is as extra as guac in almost everything except their grass field. Guacamole is great but it does form a brown-ish gray color after it ages a bit. QO showed their ugly colors as well when a student kicked a beehive in the midst of the #SavetheBees movement, this year, resulting in 32 kids being stung.

WJ: Brown Rice
Walter Johnson is the equivalent of trying to be healthy by ordering brown rice instead of white. It’s just not necessary.

Poolesville: Romaine Lettuce
Lettuce is so irrelevant. You never hear, “I go to Chipotle for their fantastic romaine.” Yet, without lettuce in your bowl or burrito, something feels incomplete, making Poolesville the lettuce of MoCo.

RM: Pinto Bean
The Richard Montgomery Rockets are most definitely the pinto bean. Similar to a rocket, pinto beans have your stomach take off.

Whitman: Sour Cream Do you ever just stop and stare at the sour cream container while you’re ordering? Do you ever think, gee golly, that’s white! Don’t get me wrong, you do see some variation at times. Sometimes a little bit of other toppings find their way in, creating some diversity, but it’s still so, so white.

Chloe Perel

News Editor